The Mummy Toy

Image from weheartit.com

So, to be sure I am not talking about movie merchandise, but rather an interesting topic of  conversation that has been going down at mamamia recently about playing with your kids.  You can read Mia's article here.

Ewww, the vitriol that is going down after that article is monumental!  There are parents who declare their undying commitment to playing with their kids, while others in humility offer they don't like doing it just like the washing or ironing, but see it as chore - something that has to be done.  Then there are people like me. 

I am not my child's play thing or play mate.  To be clear I spend a lot of time with my kids.  A LOT of time...quantity time. Life time. Chatting, cooking, colouring in together, reading and watching DVD's together.  Together as a family we go on picnics, go to the park, ride bikes and all that other stuff kids like to do.


I am the teacher and instructor of my children (not their peer) and while I may get a lot of criticism I would also like to say it is not my job to make my child happy. And before the ranting starts, please just sit for a moment and think about what answer a child would give if you were to ask them what would make them happy.  Ice cream?  Willy Wonka's chocolate factory?  Unless they are deprived of your company and attention, I can guarantee playing with you is not going to be on their list! 

I guess I'm just bored and tired of the army that rises when someone is honest enough to say they don't like doing a certain part of motherhood.  I am positive the reality is we all don't love doing it 100% of the time.  It would be helpful for new mothers if seasoned mothers didn't make out that motherhood is a walk in the park.

It is my opinion that children need to learn to play with other children and they also need to learn to amuse themselves.  That's not to say when I'm sitting at my computer or reading a book and my children involve me in a game of pretend restaurants I don't get involved and gladly sip up my pretend cup of tea they have just served me.  It just means when I am busy doing the housework or paying bills I don't sit on the floor and play Barbies with my five year old, or play the companion of Dr Who! 

I am really sad for the generation that is being raised to expect adults will drop everything and do what they request. I feel equally sorry for their future teachers and employers!

Mother Nature

Sunshine, pink peonies, soft white bunnies and baby chicks. A true Hallmark mother and daughter moment. What? You don’t skip hand in hand along the grassy knoll with your mother? That’s odd, you must be different. Ok, so neither do I, but I am grateful to have a solid relationship with my mum which I am told makes me a very lucky person.

I am surrounded by a number of friends whose relationship with their mums is fraught with dissension, anger, bitterness and disappointment. These women may have been betrayed by others, but the dysfunction they experience in their mother-daughter relationship carries the most damage of all, and, as a result the price for this rage is paid for by other un-suspecting relationships in their life.

This is nothing new. And, what is confronting for most women is the fact we are all daughters. Our mothers were once on the other end of the stick and if she isn’t living up to our expectations, you can’t help but wonder what did our mothers envisage their relationship to be like with their own daughters?

It is unlikely a mother holding a newborn daughter thinks “gee, I can’t wait to screw you up and have the most volatile relationship with you in the future.” No, likely a mother holding a newborn ponders how much she loves and wants to protect this new little vulnerable life, and if you’re anything like me, think upon future tea parties, tiny pink dresses and patent leather shoes.

So where does it go wrong? That’s a question no one can definitively answer, but chances are if your mother sustained dysfunction in the relationship with her own mother, un-dealt with, those insecurities and hurts often get carried through to the next generation. It is also probable that a daughter of a good mother-daughter relationship can take for granted the work that goes into building an enduring friendship with her own daughter.

If you are sailing the boat of mother dissatisfaction, you might want to know a few facts. Paula Caplan, author of Mother Blaming writes:

If you’re busy blaming your mother or wishing you could “divorce” her, you are caught in a psychological prison. You can’t get free, and you can’t really grow up. Mother-blame limits your freedom: you can’t be an adult who freely considers all of life’s possibilities. You restrict yourself to certain activities, interests, and friends to prove how different from Mother you are.

You can’t look honestly at who you are, because you might discover ways that you are like her! Frantic to avoid what you consider her failures, you overreact, throwing out the good with the bad: you grow tough because you think she’s sentimental, or you become a doormat because she wasn’t warm enough. All that reaction against her, that desperate drive to prove your difference, restricts and damages your relationships with the other people you love—your mate, your children, your other relatives, and your friends. You offer them only a part of your true self, a caricature.

Nothing stellar comes without solid planning and hard work. The good news is you have the power to ensure YOUR relationship with YOUR daughter is nothing less than the best. So....may I ask what does your relationship look like with your daughter presently and in the future? What are you plans and strategies to work towards this and to keep on track? If you’re harbouring resentment towards your own mother, what are doing to unload that? Friends, we have the opportunity for a wonderful life, live it to the fullest.

The Toddler & Me

So here we are in a foreign country, toddler and me shopping in a department store.  They say timing is everything, and so after 5 minutes of harmonious bliss, toddler decides to tests the boundaries and let’s go of my hand in an effort to navigate her own way around the store.  Maybe I’ve seen too many episodes of Law & Order, but no toddler is letting go of me, especially in a foreign country where I don’t speak the language.  So what ensues is a battle of wills.  A 2 year old desperately trying to let go while screaming ‘help’ to concerned on lookers versus a determined mother half dragging an unwilling toddler across the department store floor.  I don’t have to tell you who won….I hope you know.  

Parenting a toddler may be physical and mentally intensive, but the advantage is I control the environment.  I determine the boundaries. I am the deciding influence on my toddler’s life.  As my child grows and transitions into preschool, the boundaries of my influence slightly decrease.  Once my child enters school my influence starts to compete with other sources…teachers, friends and the playground all start to vie for influence over my child. 

I haven’t yet hit the teenage years with my kids, but I’m hoping if I stay consistent in my parenting and keep setting the boundaries, the hard yards I have put into these early years will begin to yield their benefits and just as my toddler knows I am a force to be reckoned with when it comes to her well being, she will also understand as a teenager when I say no to the car keys….don’t worry I’m not naive to believe there still won’t be kicking and screaming!