Monday, 10 September 2012

To love is to be vulnerable

click here for source
Thirty four years ago today, at 2 months early a baby girl arrived in the world.  There was no fanfare.  No joy.  No excitement.  No family waiting in anticipation in the hospital waiting room.  Just reluctant mother and baby. And soon, just baby. 

Fast forward to today, and here I am once again alone.  Not entirely true...I do have 3 beautiful children of my own, but on days like this it seems like I am truly alone in this world.  Sometimes I tell people I prefer it - I'll say 'I'm a lone wolf' and to a great extent I am. I am not fussed by my own company, and in my experience I am more successful acting alone rather than relying on others.  Don't get me wrong. I love people.  I do.  I thoroughly enjoy other peoples company and I would do just about anything and have done for any friend or family member that I love. 

I grew up in a large family, but always felt alone. In the line of siblings I fell in the middle and everyone above and below me was paired up. So, I spent many hours alone in my room, reading and listening to music – 2 pastimes I still thoroughly enjoy today.

For a long time I was a people pleaser – even so up until a few years ago. I felt I needed to behave in a certain way to be accepted by the people I loved. But these days as the real Amy is emerging, certain friends and family are keeping their distance. And, to be totally honest I feel abandoned by those people who I have loved and supported 100% no matter their decisions or actions in the past.

There have been a number of events over my life that have steered me towards being closed up to others and so I have to wonder if my predilection for solidarity is a habit learnt from childhood or as a means of protection from the outside world that has taught me being alone is less hassle.

CS Lewis once wrote:
Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping in tact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.

Yes. To love is to be vulnerable. I pray that as another chapter of my life turns, despite the cost I never lose the ability to stay open to others.

1 comment: